The Foolish Heart

She was ball-drainingly hot.
She had the kind of body that made your cock
stand at attention and salute.
The kind of body that made men
want to tear her clothes off
right there in the street.
Every inch of her skin would whisper
"Fuck me...
You want to fuck me...
You know you want to fuck me..."

And fuck we did,
like turbo-charged bunnies
spiked with ecstasy, viagra and spanish fly;
like porn stars with a gross of condoms
and six months to live;
like nuns renouncing their vows
at the Vatican orgy.

I was surprised when she offered to fix me dinner
while her parents were away.
Months of unbridled fornication
had somehow brought out her nesting instinct.
In keeping with her family's macaroni-and-cheese aesthetic,
the meal consisted of what is commonly known as
"shit on a shingle."

My first mistake was being honest
when she asked me if I liked it.
I thought I was being tactful,
but there were twisted and crippled nasties
creeping and crawling under that wet dream exterior
that I couldn't even begin to imagine.

She scooped up a gob
of the pustulent meat-and-dairy concoction
(very un-kosher)
and hurled it at my face,
missing me and splattering it on the wall,
like a giant diseased hairball
coughed up by a troll.

Before my jaw had time to drop,
she took the entire vat
of rendered animal product
and dumped it over her own head,
then sat for a moment,
wearing the dripping wooden bowl as a hat,
like a coolie at a food fight
or a kid waiting for a really bad haircut,
before bursting out in tears
and running from the room
and up the staircase,
bawling and yowling like a mother cat
whose kittens had just been drowned.

My second mistake was not taking that opportunity
to quietly slip out the front door.
Instead, I gingerly peeked around the door to the bathroom
where she was sprawled on the floor,
crazy limbs akimbo, trembling and sobbing
like some survivor of a botched electroshock therapy,
and said, with as much tenderness as I could muster,
"What's wrong? What can I do?"
Sucker!

David Aronson
February 2006